I’m the Mother of all Mothers (To My Friends)

I am a mother but in a non-traditional sense. I am the friend that 90% of my friends come to for advice, an ear, a shoulder to lean on, to help create some structure in their lives. 

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I am the one who lets you crash on her couch when your partner cheats on you, helps you move when you break up, holds your hair back when you have too much to drink and makes sure you eat something before bed.

I’m the friend that plans cocktail parties and organizes menus for weekend getaways. I book the airbnbs, buy the plane tickets and check the group in for the flights. I’m the go to for directions. You need coffee on the trip? You know I’ll bring it- coffee and anything else I can think of to help you. To support you. To “mother you.”  

Sometimes I feel like I’m the mother to my friends. I wonder if I had kids of my own, would I be able to be such a good friend… and would I even care? Is being so caring and invested (and so damn helpful), something that is innate to my character? Or is it a manifestation stemming from having a relationship with my own mother who has never been caring, invested or helpful?Whatever the reason, I love myself.

I love how I’m choosing to be a mother, given the circumstances. My circumstances.

Not being a mother can be a choice. In this case, it was a choice I didn’t have the privilege to make. I was diagnosed with PCOS when I was 15 years old and my gynecologist informed me that I wouldn’t be able to have babies. Hearing this information at 15 was off putting and worrisome. Several thoughts flooded my mind all at once. 

“What is wrong with me? Why is my mom so upset? Do I even want kids? Do I have to decide this now? Will I never be able to have kids? What if a man in my future wants kids and I can’t give them to him?”

I always felt like someone generally equipped to handle big feelings.

Growing up I was usually surrounded by much older people, including my three older brothers. So I always felt more mature than my peers capable of handling tough situations. But all of this was overwhelming and I felt too young to be making any decisions this way or that way.  And I didn’t really understand the gravity of this situation at age 15.

When my friends talked about having sex or drinking I wondered, “how do they feel ready for these things?” Because I didn’t feel ready. 

All that to say, I guess I figured there would still be time or maybe things could change, but subconsciously, I crossed “having kids” off my list of future possibilities. It’s crazy how that shapes you at such a young age. And how I feel like I didn’t really get a choice in the matter. At age 15 my doctor started me on birth control.  I’ve been on it ever since. 

I played the cards I was dealt.

I’m 39 now and while I still don’t want children. But I wonder how things might have been different for me if I had wanted kids. Or if I had the chance to make that decision, before my body and doctor decided that for me. Or if I had met the right partner earlier in my life and we had discussed building a family together. Getting lost on the “what if” freeway is not productive.  I now know there are ways to have children, despite the diagnosis of PCOS. And it’s way more common than we talk about. If you have PCOS, you’re not alone, you’re not a freak, and you’re still able to be a mother if you want. 

There is space for all kinds of mothers because motherhood is a way of being. 

Human child moms, friend moms, step moms, adoptive moms, plant moms, dog moms, cat moms, work moms, second moms, band moms, soccer moms, dance moms, theater moms. Motherhood is about caring, listening, guiding. It’s about feeding your soul and nourishing your body. To me, mother is about supporting, giving hope, offering compassion, building your confidence and providing security.

There are many different ways to mother. Whether you have children or not. You can be a mother however you choose.